Optimism: Maximizing Strengths – Protecting Health

Well, thoughts make for well behaviors. It is hard to be sick or to feel "unwell"  in mind that is balanced and positive. Optimism is well thinking and increases positive mood, moral, persistence while increasing creativity and the ability to solve-problems. It is very needed, especially in our complex world.

Optimism can get a bad rap. Perhaps, some of us have known people who possessed blind optimism – looking at the bright side of things at any cost – All the while discounting another’s personal pain. This can feel immensely invalidating. This type of blind optimism is often another person’s defense against what they deem negative and unacceptable – What they cannot tolerate. It can be wounding to another, however. I hear this often in my counseling practice in West Chester and Chestnut Hill, Philadelphia, PA. I work with people who suffer mood problems, anxiety, or have challenging personality traits and  teach them skills to become more flexible and resourceful. However, it can be hard for some people to accept being more optimistic and open because others have made light of their pain and tried to reframe issues and problems in an unhelpful way. Taking an optimistic view can feel like giving in or making the other people “right.” This can become quite a dilemma – a real set up.

The Fear of Disappointment
Each one of us has unique talents and strengths. However, we often focus on our less developed parts of ourselves rather than maximizing our strengths. Perhaps this comes from fear of lack in that if we have all the bases covered we can be prevent anything “bad” from happening. Of course, this is a form of self-protection often manifesting as perfectionism. Much like a performance review whereby accomplishments are acknowledged, but, then there is that one “opportunity for growth” which stands of like a demerit igniting alarm bells. What happens to the accomplishments? Yes, they get lost and the perceived negative gains complete focus.

What gets in the way of being more optimistic? Perhaps, it is not fear of trying or failing, as much as it is a disappointment. Disappointment can feel heavy and be a letdown. In fact, perhaps it is not as much the fear of things not turning out as planned as it is the difficulty accepting the feeling of disappointment. Time after time disappointment can erode at mood and outlook. It can weave into the fabric of a person’s personality. This is what makes change so hard – Although not impossible! Just to be optimistic of course. It takes time a dedication to increasing optimism. Pessimistic thoughts need to be identified and replaced by more optimistic ones, based in reality. This means that optimistic thoughts must have depth, purpose and value – Not be repetitive “fake it til you make it” talk.

Just like we talked about in last week’s blog on pessimism – We develop a lens based on our world view. Through that lens, we filter information in support of that view.

Choosing a Lens: Positive or Negative
Here’s a snapshot of the difference between optimism and pessimism –
Suppose you are scheduled to meet a colleague for lunch to talk about an important piece of business. You are waiting, and she is late and not answering her cell phone. By the time, 20 minutes pass you notice some pessimistic thoughts:

- “She is not interested and blew me off.”
- “I was duped.”
- “This was not a priority and she forgot.”

There is a choice here, on how to think about this situation. You may tell yourself instead:

- “Something must have come up or is in the way of her getting here and in the car and can’t answer the phone.”
- “I am sure there is a good reason for her not being here or being here yet. I am sure she will be apologetic.”
- “She is human and maybe she genuinely forgot.”

The optimistic thoughts leave more room for moving forward with the relationship. They are less personal and upsetting. They are more kind to both parties, while preserving self-esteem and possibilities. They keep people’s character and integrity intact. Optimistic thoughts also put less pressure on our bodies and less strain on our central nervous system.

Not to mention many times it is more important to be kind rather than right – Open rather than “decided” and forgiving rather than just. It gives us all more room to “be.”

Are You an Optimist or Pessimist?

Each one of us wants to be happy. The meaning of happiness and its ingredients are often unclear – Happiness can be thought of as something “out there," something to be earned, strived for and acquired, but not readily available - Happiness can be viewed as intended for “some people” but not for others.
Happiness can be perceived as a special prize to be achieved by means a some sort of special formula supported by age old secrets. –  The movie “The Secret”  presents that our thoughts are connected to what happens in our lives - That we are creating our outcomes. As one of my clients says, “Its’ a bit woo woo, but there is something to it.” Alternatively, maybe it is not so woo woo! Maybe our thinking does shape our lives and the quality of our experience – After all aren’t we the narrators of our story?

Our thinking is powerful – Thinking prompts emotion – Emotion ignites behavior. These elements develop events which support the development of narratives upon which we build our lives.

This simple story supports how thinking shapes reality - A few years ago I was facilitating a group on communication and teamwork with a group of professionals. When introducing some potential solutions to communication difficulties, one participant stepped forward. This person felt strongly about her dedication to being a “realist.” The strengths-based approach of validating others and making requests in a direct and transparent manner did not resonate with her. Her feedback went something like this, “There is a lot that goes on in my unit – people are out for themselves. It is a passive-aggressive environment. People are back stabbers!”

That is a pretty hefty statement – A lot to carry. I asked about the actual data supporting her statements. Moreover, most importantly how these assumptions may impact attitude, motivation, behavior and mood? After talking through it, the group broke it down. Curious that while there were some behavior challenges in the workplace (as usual), that there were also ongoing assumptions of people as harmful and not well intended impacting how situations were being viewed and responded to. The fear- based narrative served as a lens by which the environment was viewed. The “realistic” stance created more of what was disliked and feared the most.

The option of being effective -- Interfacing with the environment in a direct, helpful, accepting manner felt too “Pollyanna” -  as a form of giving in to something that was harmful and threatening.
We arrived at an understanding that what we refer to as “realism” is often our own attachment to our own views based in our own fears and unprocessed past experiences. Stepping back and looking at the detail of situations can break this down and disempower negative judgments which fuel pessimism.

 

Pessimism is a manifestation of self-blame; taking people and events personally. It is a form of self- protection.

Once again – fear is at the baseline of many of our emotions. Fear can be healthy, but also sneaky and misguided in its ways. It can creep in and create a sense of certainty – Certainty, however, is yet another emotion parading as truth.

Next week we’ll talk about Optimism.

Summertime Blues?

For anyone who was around last weekend over July 4th you may have noticed that there wasn’t a soul on the roads – no one around. It was immensely quiet. Perhaps many folks ventured to the shore points or to visit family. Regardless, it was desolate in the Philadelphia area. There was a palpable “hush” that was much like the stillness that settles in later in the night on Christmas Eve.

A friend of mine who is also a healthcare professional routinely comments about how we are communal beings and tend to share a common biorhythm – That we are “plugged into each other."

We were talking about how eerily quiet it was on the holiday weekend - That people did not seem to migrate to the fireworks until the last minute and that even the local ice cream stand was vacant of patrons until late into the evening.

Why would this be the case? Well, we as living beings are very much affected by our environment. Over the course of the last year, we have endured constant pressure from extreme weather. The winter was relentless with one-snow storm after another with intense cold and ice. The rain storms have been no better. When we anticipate storms, we have come to expect to be left without power for days and or to anticipate damages. This is hard to endure as a steady diet. Perhaps, there is a collective feeling of “burnout” in the atmosphere. Maybe we haven't recuperated.

We had been desperate for warm weather and the ease of summer, but perhaps the heat and humidity of late has introduced yet another extreme to rally against and accommodate. Extremes zap us of our energy. The intensity of extreme conditions can create distress in our bodies and minds – more than what we would imagine. For instance, over the winter you may have noticed yourself getting more tired, cranky, low energy and impatient as the snow storms continued - Due to being tapped of energy and resilience being worn down. Heat and humidity can be equally as damaging to energy and vitality.

For those who suffer mood problems and chronic illness, such as depression, pain syndromes, ADD, etc., you may find yourself more irritable and cycling or dipping mood-wise unexpectedly despite the sunshine and longer days. Heat can also fuel aggression. Be on the lookout for subtle and not so subtle changes in your thinking, emotions and behavior.

Do make sure to keep hydrated, drinking plenty of water. Eat healthily and veer away from quick unhealthy meals because you may not feel like cooking. Maintain exercise – perhaps swim or take a late night walk after the sun goes down. Overall, maintain structure and routine.

Moreover, of course, remember that this too shall pass. Most importantly, bear in mind that the conditions around us are impacting us on a deeper level.

How to Create a Bit of Vacation Every Day - Mindfulness

Ahhh…Summertime.  There’s nothing like those long summer days, starting with glorious sunny mornings, hot lazy afternoons, and extended time outside through light-filled evenings.  If we slow down and notice, we respond internally to the nuances of the season.  Perhaps we notice an increased sense of well-being or less stress, even if dealing with tough issues involving clinical or mental health.  But, summer is short and can fly by - It is July 4th weekend already!  It is important to be mindful of where we are time-wise and to be aware of taking advantage of what the season has to offer.  Sometimes, we Americans are not too good at enjoyment with our work orientation and busy schedules.  In fact, it is noted that we are the second most overworked country in the world!

So, instead of waiting to unwind and relax on vacation, why not learn to have a bit of vacation every day?  Yes, you heard me – vacation every day!  That means integrating relaxation and enjoyment into each day – being in the moment and noticing the beauty around us, releasing stress, being more present to others and more available for pleasurable activities.  This can indeed be done – that is, with a bit of a shift of mindset as well as willingness to experiment with new ways of living – learning to recreate, being more experiential, and taking loving care of ourselves through soothing our senses.  These skills help us make for a well-rounded lifestyle and increased quality of life.

Recreation vs. Recuperation

Americans take much less time off for vacation and pleasure.  This is probably no surprise for any of us as we know that it can be tough to take the time to get away.  But there is a price to be paid for not taking time off or overworking.  For instance, have you ever had the experience of overworking over a long period of time and then take time off, only to get sick?  By the time vacation came around, it was too late.  You may have planned to recreate but your body needed to recuperate.  When we overwork and live disconnected from ourselves, we tend to operate on empty and there is no energy for fun, recreation, and leisure.  We can even forget who we really are!  Time off then becomes more about recuperating from exhaustion, irritability, and poor lifestyle habits – sort of like a short-term rehab!  This is totally different from recreation which is about movement, play, interacting, laughing, and creating.

Recreating is actually needed and is productive – much like play is not only about fun for children, but is necessary in order to complete brain development.  Recreating and its associated healthy activities help us grow and become more expansive and whole, both neurologically as well as emotionally.  Perhaps that is what is meant by the old saying “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.”

Watching vs. Experiencing

One evening last summer I was standing on the deck at the beach on the Cape anticipating the sunset.  It was a beautiful evening, clear and warm with a gentle breeze blowing through the dunes.  Some other people started to gather as well.  The sun started to make its descent.  Some of the people were talking and seemed to be more engaged in the topics at hand.  However, this is what they missed – As the sun slowly set, there were wondrous hues of orange, pink, lavender, gold, and shades of blue streaming across the evening sky.  The sun grew deeper in color from orange to fire red.  The ocean seemed to grow louder as its waves hit the shore.  The wind picked up a bit and the temperature dropped.  Then the sun dropped under the horizon and the night sky emerged.  Day literally turned into night.  Amazing!

There is a distinct difference between watching as an observer versus experiencing it as a participant.  Watching is passive and non-connective – sort of being there but not fully engaged, or looking from the outside in.  Experiencing is about being completely present with our whole self or whole body – being one with the experience at hand.  In the instance of the sunset the experience was about allowing the colors, sounds, and other qualities to touch us emotionally, physically, and mentally – being authentically moved internally by beauty and wonder – noticing the interconnectedness in nature and all things.  Unless one is paying full attention and is completely focused, the moment-to-moment changes pass right by and the process goes unnoticed.  Thinking is not experiencing.  If anything, thinking takes us away from reality and the moments at hand.

What might we change if we were to tune into others more often and truly listen with our whole bodies?  Or, notice the day when we walk outside for the first time in the morning?  Or, tune into what we ourselves are saying, eating, thinking?  Essentially, what if we were to notice the details as well as the depth of each moment?  Do you tend to watch or experience?

Relaxation Soothing with the Five Senses

Self-soothing is a key part of self-care.  The goal of self-soothing is to comfort you emotionally and physically by doing things that are sensually pleasant and not harmful.  Self-soothing is a mindfulness practice when you are focusing your full attention on the feelings being experienced by your five senses. By being fully present on what you are experiencing in the moment, you will be able to get you outside of your head and away from troubling thoughts, feelings, and impulses.

Here are some ideas on how you can practice self-soothing this summer:

Vision: Plant a colorful flower garden or arrange potted plants on your deck or balcony. Watch the birds in your feeder and notice the different types and colors. Shop at a local farm market for vegetables and take time to notice the look of the fresh vegetables. Notice the colors and shape.

Hearing: Take a few minutes in the morning as you wake up to listen to the birds singing outside. Listen to the sound of the summer rain. Attend an outdoor summer concert and spend the evening listening to some pleasant music.

Smell: When driving through wooded areas put the windows of your car down and smell the sweetness of the honeysuckle. When you are in your garden, literally take time to “smell the roses!” Plant an herbal garden including basil, parsley, mint, and sage. Be sure to pick some to use in cooking and smell the freshness.

Taste:  Take a pause and take in the taste of a fresh summer peach or other fruit of your liking. Tune into the taste. Take time to chew and taste your barbequed meal noticing the many flavors. When drinking an iced tea, slow down and taste it – don’t gulp!

Touch:  When outside put your face up to the sun – close your eyes and feel its warmth on your face. If on the beach, feel the sand between your toes and the feel of the ocean as you walk along the shoreline. Feel the texture of the soil when planting flowers or vegetables.

Try making time every day to pay attention to these summer pleasures.  Take them in and notice your response.  Pay attention to what happens within your body.  It would be interesting to hear about what you learned when you look back and reflect on your summer.