Depression During Life Transitions: Is it Normal?

Life is all about cycles - Seasons change, weather moves in patterns, the economy fluctuates, trends ... change...transition...all of which are happening constantly.

Recently, I was talking with a woman who had moved into a lovely home.  It was the home of her dreams.  She had been very excited about the move and creating this wonderful space. However, about a month or so after the move she found herself feeling depressed and lethargic.  She was very concerned and considered anti-depressant medication.

Change brings forth many emotions, sensations and shifts - ups and downs. Generally we don't associate depression with "good things" but in truth each one of us responds to change in our own unique way.

Plants were my first teachers about change. Have you ever moved a plant from one spot to another? What happens? They tend to wilt and look like they might die. Just when you think it is a lost cause the plant perks up! Go figure...

We do a little of this too. Our moods and energy are always in flux and subject to change. This can make most people nervous - Who really feels comfortable when feeling, a bit depressed or down?
However, is what is being felt a symptom of depression or a human experience?

There is a difference between a clinical condition and a response to a life event. We tend to label unwanted feelings and experiences as being related to sickness, but just like the plant or the woman who moved, that might not be the case. It just might be because change takes energy and lots of it - more than we might think.  Also, anytime something is gained something is lost. Loss is part of every change - Even the changes that we want or goals we have worked towards. Grieving is a natural response to loss. Depression is part of grieving.

Preparation for change is key in setting ourselves up for success.  Being able to move through change and transition safely and successfully without putting ourselves at risk or sabotaging our success. Each one of us may be sensitive to specific triggers/ stressors, events or circumstances - The conditions that may challenge our sense of mental, emotional and physical balance.

Mood and energy cycles often parallel with the environmental conditions occurring within and around us. If you are a person who is sensitive to change and or has mood, addiction or chronic health problems it is important to pay extra attention to change, especially when it involves your personal space, work or people in your life. Self knowledge is key.

The ability to understand our own cycles is needed in order to help ourselves in the best ways possible.

In order to feel well and to be effective, we need to adapt to changing conditions. This means that we need to identify, understand and prepare for them according to our individual needs.

 

This is why it is critical that we create the conditions we need to be well and successful. We can control that part.

 

This helps us in becoming skilled in managing change.  Being adaptive and able to work with change is needed to be able to grow, increase our skills and capacities and to reach our personal and professional goals.  As we move through life and experience its' joys, our victories, defeats and losses we will have many intensive and personal feelings many of which are part of the process of becoming a whole person. Growth can be stressful and uncomfortable, but necessary if we are to become more skilled in living life.

Approaching ourselves with kindness, inquiry and flexibility allows us to create the conditions we need to move forward through the changes in our lives. This means not judging every uncomfortable feeling and or event that does not go as planned as something wrong or a sign of failure. Instead setting things up so that we have what we need - support, healthy lifestyle habits and a mindset of willingness and openness.

Through this process we become more resilient- meaning stress hardy. Then we truly become more healthy, adaptive and bounce back from set backs and stressors even using them as leverage to move forward.  We are then truly able to move forward with confidence and in a manner by which we can be our best selves.

Optimism: Maximizing Strengths – Protecting Health

Well, thoughts make for well behaviors. It is hard to be sick or to feel "unwell"  in mind that is balanced and positive. Optimism is well thinking and increases positive mood, moral, persistence while increasing creativity and the ability to solve-problems. It is very needed, especially in our complex world.

Optimism can get a bad rap. Perhaps, some of us have known people who possessed blind optimism – looking at the bright side of things at any cost – All the while discounting another’s personal pain. This can feel immensely invalidating. This type of blind optimism is often another person’s defense against what they deem negative and unacceptable – What they cannot tolerate. It can be wounding to another, however. I hear this often in my counseling practice in West Chester and Chestnut Hill, Philadelphia, PA. I work with people who suffer mood problems, anxiety, or have challenging personality traits and  teach them skills to become more flexible and resourceful. However, it can be hard for some people to accept being more optimistic and open because others have made light of their pain and tried to reframe issues and problems in an unhelpful way. Taking an optimistic view can feel like giving in or making the other people “right.” This can become quite a dilemma – a real set up.

The Fear of Disappointment
Each one of us has unique talents and strengths. However, we often focus on our less developed parts of ourselves rather than maximizing our strengths. Perhaps this comes from fear of lack in that if we have all the bases covered we can be prevent anything “bad” from happening. Of course, this is a form of self-protection often manifesting as perfectionism. Much like a performance review whereby accomplishments are acknowledged, but, then there is that one “opportunity for growth” which stands of like a demerit igniting alarm bells. What happens to the accomplishments? Yes, they get lost and the perceived negative gains complete focus.

What gets in the way of being more optimistic? Perhaps, it is not fear of trying or failing, as much as it is a disappointment. Disappointment can feel heavy and be a letdown. In fact, perhaps it is not as much the fear of things not turning out as planned as it is the difficulty accepting the feeling of disappointment. Time after time disappointment can erode at mood and outlook. It can weave into the fabric of a person’s personality. This is what makes change so hard – Although not impossible! Just to be optimistic of course. It takes time a dedication to increasing optimism. Pessimistic thoughts need to be identified and replaced by more optimistic ones, based in reality. This means that optimistic thoughts must have depth, purpose and value – Not be repetitive “fake it til you make it” talk.

Just like we talked about in last week’s blog on pessimism – We develop a lens based on our world view. Through that lens, we filter information in support of that view.

Choosing a Lens: Positive or Negative
Here’s a snapshot of the difference between optimism and pessimism –
Suppose you are scheduled to meet a colleague for lunch to talk about an important piece of business. You are waiting, and she is late and not answering her cell phone. By the time, 20 minutes pass you notice some pessimistic thoughts:

- “She is not interested and blew me off.”
- “I was duped.”
- “This was not a priority and she forgot.”

There is a choice here, on how to think about this situation. You may tell yourself instead:

- “Something must have come up or is in the way of her getting here and in the car and can’t answer the phone.”
- “I am sure there is a good reason for her not being here or being here yet. I am sure she will be apologetic.”
- “She is human and maybe she genuinely forgot.”

The optimistic thoughts leave more room for moving forward with the relationship. They are less personal and upsetting. They are more kind to both parties, while preserving self-esteem and possibilities. They keep people’s character and integrity intact. Optimistic thoughts also put less pressure on our bodies and less strain on our central nervous system.

Not to mention many times it is more important to be kind rather than right – Open rather than “decided” and forgiving rather than just. It gives us all more room to “be.”

Are You an Optimist or Pessimist?

Each one of us wants to be happy. The meaning of happiness and its ingredients are often unclear – Happiness can be thought of as something “out there," something to be earned, strived for and acquired, but not readily available - Happiness can be viewed as intended for “some people” but not for others.
Happiness can be perceived as a special prize to be achieved by means a some sort of special formula supported by age old secrets. –  The movie “The Secret”  presents that our thoughts are connected to what happens in our lives - That we are creating our outcomes. As one of my clients says, “Its’ a bit woo woo, but there is something to it.” Alternatively, maybe it is not so woo woo! Maybe our thinking does shape our lives and the quality of our experience – After all aren’t we the narrators of our story?

Our thinking is powerful – Thinking prompts emotion – Emotion ignites behavior. These elements develop events which support the development of narratives upon which we build our lives.

This simple story supports how thinking shapes reality - A few years ago I was facilitating a group on communication and teamwork with a group of professionals. When introducing some potential solutions to communication difficulties, one participant stepped forward. This person felt strongly about her dedication to being a “realist.” The strengths-based approach of validating others and making requests in a direct and transparent manner did not resonate with her. Her feedback went something like this, “There is a lot that goes on in my unit – people are out for themselves. It is a passive-aggressive environment. People are back stabbers!”

That is a pretty hefty statement – A lot to carry. I asked about the actual data supporting her statements. Moreover, most importantly how these assumptions may impact attitude, motivation, behavior and mood? After talking through it, the group broke it down. Curious that while there were some behavior challenges in the workplace (as usual), that there were also ongoing assumptions of people as harmful and not well intended impacting how situations were being viewed and responded to. The fear- based narrative served as a lens by which the environment was viewed. The “realistic” stance created more of what was disliked and feared the most.

The option of being effective -- Interfacing with the environment in a direct, helpful, accepting manner felt too “Pollyanna” -  as a form of giving in to something that was harmful and threatening.
We arrived at an understanding that what we refer to as “realism” is often our own attachment to our own views based in our own fears and unprocessed past experiences. Stepping back and looking at the detail of situations can break this down and disempower negative judgments which fuel pessimism.

 

Pessimism is a manifestation of self-blame; taking people and events personally. It is a form of self- protection.

Once again – fear is at the baseline of many of our emotions. Fear can be healthy, but also sneaky and misguided in its ways. It can creep in and create a sense of certainty – Certainty, however, is yet another emotion parading as truth.

Next week we’ll talk about Optimism.