Improving Relationships Through the Power of Validation

Human emotions are complex. They are also unique to each and every person. This means that each person experiences emotions differently.  If a group of five people who were sad were asked to describe their experience of sadness, we would more than likely get five different responses. Why?  Because emotions are private experiences.  Emotions are part of a complex tapestry including human temperament, life experiences, relationships, and perceptions. No two people are completely alike.

In my counseling and therapy practice in Chestnut Hill, Philadelphia and West Chester, Pennsylvania my clients tell me about their feelings and emotions and how they were responded to by the people in their lives. Since I work with issue involving, addiction, codependency, depression, chronic pain, etc., learning self- care and self- advocacy is of primary focus.  In order to build these important skills one needs to learn how validate themselves. This is harder than one might imagine, especially if the person has been exposed or is living in an invalidating environment.

So, what is validation?  Validation is to recognize and accept another person’s thoughts and feelings, regardless of whether or not you feel that they should be experiencing them. Validation helps us to develop a sense of self-worth. People who are validated feel reassured that they will be accepted and loved regardless of their feelings, while those who are not validated are more vulnerable to emotional and behavioral problems and relational difficulties.

We can validate another person by paying attention and reflecting back what we heard them share with us, asking questions, and identifying with them. This helps all of us feel “part of” and less alone. We can easily overlook the fact that ignoring others or neglecting to acknowledge them is indeed invalidation.  This is why childhood neglect is considered abuse.

Here are a few everyday ways of validating one another. These can be built into how we communicate over the course of time and help improve relationships.

• Listen with empathy and genuine concern, being careful to stay in the moment. Display interest and engagement through verbally and non-verbally: Nod and maintain eye contact, and use verbal replies such as “Yes" and "I understand."
• Be responsive by reflecting back what the other person has shared. For example, “It sounds like you were very hurt that your friend didn't call you back." Check for accuracy by asking "Is that right?"
• Observe and articulate the individual’s unspoken feelings and emotions, based on what he or she says as well as nonverbal cues. Ask if your observations are accurate. For example, “So you are frustrated when your friend does not communicate directly with you about plans - That when she doesn't call by a certain time that it means that she cannot follow through.  You cannot accept that way of interacting.  Is that correct?”
• Communicate that you are aware of the "bigger picture" of the person's feeling or emotion.  Acknowledge that his or her current emotions are understandable within the context of his or her past experiences and/or present circumstances. For example, “Considering that you grew up in an alcoholic home with little stability, it is understandable that you would feel anxiety when cancels plans with you and  things are uncertain.”

We can validate one another quite readily if we pay attention and seek out opportunities to do so. Validation strengthens relationships, communities and reduces conflict.

What is your experience with validation?

The Relationship Between Storms, Change and Counseling

Last week, an unexpected hailstorm, blew through Chester County hitting the towns of Exton, Downingtown and West Chester very hard. It was a lovely sunny afternoon then all of a sudden there were thunder and lightning in the midst of the clear blue sky. It grew darker and the wind picked up speed blowing new summer leaves off the trees. Then the ice came down pummeling newly sprouted plants. By the end of it all, spring blooms were no more and carefully mulched and mowed lawns tattered with leaves and debris. Nothing was spared.

We have so little control of many things in life; nature being one of them. Nature is non – negotiable. Nature has its’ own patterns of balancing itself. Things can get interrupted or even destroyed – It is neither personal nor discriminatory. Something is lost and something new emerges. This is the essence of change and balance – The cycle of life.

As a Chestnut Hill, Philadelphia and West Chester, PA based counselor, I work with people moving through their own personal storms involving changes that were not wanted, including divorce, job loss, death of a loved one, addictions, etc. These experiences often bring up strong emotions, which can feel overwhelming. If vulnerable to reactivity, situations like these can trigger self-defeating behavior, including bingeing on food or alcohol, excessive spending, raging on a loved one, quitting a job without a plan and many other unproductive actions.

Just like a major storm, where opposites intersect via cold meets heat resulting in a powerfully fueled storm system, our human conflicts can meet and when opposite they can clash and create crisis. When we do not know how to deal with the situation and put it off or minimize its’ importance, tension from repressed emotions builds beneath the surface. Time passes and when a stressor occurs - Wham!

Maybe a person realizes that they are tolerating poor treatment after years of telling themselves it is okay, or awareness is reached that their career is not fitting and they have been trying to force it, or a person realizes that they are not compatible with their mate. These are tough situations to realize and accept.

We need to let something go to have something else grow and replace it – Sometimes it is a skewed perception or outlook – Sometimes it involves making a tangible change. Making changes like these are uncomfortable for most of us. It can feel immensely unsettling when in “limbo like state” of the in between.

Effective counseling and behavior therapy provides an opportunity on how to manage and even thrive in the in between times and helps with becoming more flexible in response to the winds of life – Growing more resilient and stress hardy. We can then live in less fear and resistance understanding and remembering that the flowers and plants will grow back again, maybe not until the next year or perhaps looking a bit different, but according to nature's order.