Improving Relationships Through the Power of Validation

Human emotions are complex. They are also unique to each and every person. This means that each person experiences emotions differently.  If a group of five people who were sad were asked to describe their experience of sadness, we would more than likely get five different responses. Why?  Because emotions are private experiences.  Emotions are part of a complex tapestry including human temperament, life experiences, relationships, and perceptions. No two people are completely alike.

In my counseling and therapy practice in Chestnut Hill, Philadelphia and West Chester, Pennsylvania my clients tell me about their feelings and emotions and how they were responded to by the people in their lives. Since I work with issue involving, addiction, codependency, depression, chronic pain, etc., learning self- care and self- advocacy is of primary focus.  In order to build these important skills one needs to learn how validate themselves. This is harder than one might imagine, especially if the person has been exposed or is living in an invalidating environment.

So, what is validation?  Validation is to recognize and accept another person’s thoughts and feelings, regardless of whether or not you feel that they should be experiencing them. Validation helps us to develop a sense of self-worth. People who are validated feel reassured that they will be accepted and loved regardless of their feelings, while those who are not validated are more vulnerable to emotional and behavioral problems and relational difficulties.

We can validate another person by paying attention and reflecting back what we heard them share with us, asking questions, and identifying with them. This helps all of us feel “part of” and less alone. We can easily overlook the fact that ignoring others or neglecting to acknowledge them is indeed invalidation.  This is why childhood neglect is considered abuse.

Here are a few everyday ways of validating one another. These can be built into how we communicate over the course of time and help improve relationships.

• Listen with empathy and genuine concern, being careful to stay in the moment. Display interest and engagement through verbally and non-verbally: Nod and maintain eye contact, and use verbal replies such as “Yes" and "I understand."
• Be responsive by reflecting back what the other person has shared. For example, “It sounds like you were very hurt that your friend didn't call you back." Check for accuracy by asking "Is that right?"
• Observe and articulate the individual’s unspoken feelings and emotions, based on what he or she says as well as nonverbal cues. Ask if your observations are accurate. For example, “So you are frustrated when your friend does not communicate directly with you about plans - That when she doesn't call by a certain time that it means that she cannot follow through.  You cannot accept that way of interacting.  Is that correct?”
• Communicate that you are aware of the "bigger picture" of the person's feeling or emotion.  Acknowledge that his or her current emotions are understandable within the context of his or her past experiences and/or present circumstances. For example, “Considering that you grew up in an alcoholic home with little stability, it is understandable that you would feel anxiety when cancels plans with you and  things are uncertain.”

We can validate one another quite readily if we pay attention and seek out opportunities to do so. Validation strengthens relationships, communities and reduces conflict.

What is your experience with validation?

Improving Relationships through Listening

Have you ever been talking with someone and, before you can even finish your sentence, they interrupt to share their own thought or finish yours? Or perhaps you are in the middle of making an important point and their attention is pulled away as they check their ringing cell phone, send an email, or reply to a text message. We’ve all watched someone we are talking to nod and even mutter “uh huh” – knowing they didn’t really hear a word we just said.

People notice and can feel when others are not paying attention. These are conversations that leave people feeling unheard and unimportant, and they happen to all of us. In fact, most of us are guilty on a regular basis of listening to others in this same way. Listening with all of our attention is a discipline that needs to be practiced. It is also a skill that pays big dividends in both personal relationships and business endeavors. After all, every part of life is about relating.

In short, how does one develop or hone the skill of listening? Here are a few points to bare in mind in becoming a more skilled listener:

• Giving the other person your undivided attention. This may included putting your cell phone away, closing your laptop, stepping away from the crowd, turning off the television, music etc. and tuning in to the person with eye contact.  Removing barriers to being present helps with focus.

• Stay focused.  We are conditioned to drift.  There are often many things competing for our attention. Focus is a skill to be built – It is not automatically “there.” When talking with another person be mindful of the thoughts and inner and outer distractions that can negatively impact connecting.  When distracted gently pull your attention back to the person talking – Even if you need to do it over and over again.

• Being aware of the impact of judgment. Defending one’s self  from what is not wanted to be heard or felt or blocks our ability to listen and attend to the relationship. This includes blaming the other person or situation when uncomfortable or distressed- projecting unwanted feeling onto others. Part of this is the experience of how we believe others see us.  When self perception is distorted a person can become distracted and emotionally deregulated.  Working with human judgment and learning to appraise ourselves and others accurately allows for more connection and compatibility.

• Maintain open body language. Body language is non verbal and actually that more significant part of communication than what is verbal. Non- verbal being roughly 55-65% of communication. Remember words and actions need to line up – This is often considered “Walking the talk.” Alignment of verbal and non-verbal communication fosters connection and trust with others. Make sure you are open and receptive – No crossed arms, furrowed brow, abrupt movement, eye rolling – darting or similar behaviors.

When we become skilled listeners, we provide people around us with a gift that they have rarely been given in their lifetime. For when we truly listen we take others in, learn about them, and acknowledge that they exist. When we listen we also learn more and allow ourselves to truly know others and to challenge our assumptions. Listening facilitates change.

Do you tend to hear people or really listen?

Quote: “Since in order to speak, one must first listen, learn to speak by listening.”  

 ~Rumi

Improving Relationships: Skills that Work

As a licensed therapist, coach and addictions specialist I counsel and treat clients with some pretty serious conditions, including, alcoholism, sexual compulsivity, road rage, bi polar disorder, and personality disorders, such as borderline personality disorder and narcissism. Much of the time these issues (and others) may be occurring at the same time and make for immense complexity.

However,  over the many years of practice, I continue to find it curious that despite the crisis, physical and emotional challenges and other problems at hand, that the conversation always comes back to relationships, communication and the development of connection and intimacy. Even in the face of chronic pain, depression and job loss the underlying concern is  often “I don’t think my spouse loves me” or “I am afraid of being left behind” or something similar.

The number one reason why people seek counseling is related to their relationships. Whether it’s due to an intimate couples’ problem, social isolation, family or work related conflict; relational concerns always take precedence – even over finances. It doesn’t matter what the presenting concern seems to be – addiction, eating disorder, pain, depression, etc. – at the end of the day the conversation comes back to connection, love, and belonging. These are not lofty needs or desires, but are necessary for our health, well-being, and survival. But, in today’s world of technology, pressed schedules, increased consumerism, family difficulties and economic pressures, the simple things that have served as the foundation for human health and happiness have been strained and minimized. It’s no wonder chronic disease is on the rise with 25% of American facing such challenges.

Many years ago an author by the name of Robert Fulghum wrote a book All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten http://www.peace.ca/kindergarten.htm. In his own simple and elegant manner the author provided practical guidelines for successful living and loving through looking back on what is taught to children in kindergarten, as they learn to take care of themselves and socialize with one another – The importance of respect. Sounds simple, right? However, sometimes the simplest of things are not so easy. What happens when those basics either get lost or are not learned? These relational deficits leave a large gap in one’s ability to relate and have needs met, leading to immense dissatisfaction and suffering – For everyone.

This next grouping of blog postings is focused on getting back to the basics of relating effectively with others; highlighting the importance of our ability to listen, understand, and to develop collaboration and cooperation in order to construct safe, balanced relationship dynamics that are healthy and satisfying.

As you read the blog, you may wish to ask yourself how you rate in these areas and or how others around you rate. Through increasing your skills it becomes easier to discern what healthy relating looks like and how it feels verses poor relational fit.  You will also learn how to build a healthy and satisfying network of supportive relationships in your life in order to feel more balanced, connected and competent.

We hope you find this information useful and encourage you to forward the blog onto a family member or a friend.