The Importance of Receiving Graciously

Not long ago, I was privy to a conversation between two women who met up with one another at a professional event in Philadelphia, PA.  It was apparent that they had not seen one another for a long time as they hugged and expressed excitement about running into each other.  One woman commented to the other on how healthy and happy she looked, saying “You look really great! And that dress is lovely.” The other woman replied, “Actually, I gained so much weight…and, this dress?  It was a bargain at TJ Maxx…$10.00.  Can you believe that?” The woman who gave the compliment stepped back and was quiet. There was an awkward pause between them. Where does one go after that?

Most of us were taught to say “Thank you” when receiving a compliment. However, debunking a compliment or acknowledgement can come about quite naturally – Out of habit. One might feel uncomfortable with the attention, not want to appear selfish  or feel self-conscious when noticed and in turn think it is okay to  not take the compliment.  It can, however, present a problem for the “giver” of the compliment. Rejecting the compliment actually discounts the observations and intentions of the giver.  It says, “You are wrong. I don’t want your compliment. I am not open to you.  I don’t like myself.” It is a block to connection and relating. Rejecting an acknowledgement such as a compliment or act of kindness can be experienced as very invalidating by the other person.

So many acts of kindness are rejected in this manner – Whether it is an invitation to lunch, holding the door for someone, not allowing a birthday gift to be given…There are so many examples both large and small of heart centered generosity gone awry.

Deep down inside, each one of us wants to receive. I hear what people want everyday in my counseling practice in Chestnut Hill and West Chester, PA. That is just human nature. “Give and take” is built into our primal template of survival skills. We give in order to belong and to build cooperative relationships with others as well as to plant the seeds for being able to take later when we need to. Without the dynamic of give-and-take, civilizations would crumble and cease to exist. Give and take is a necessity. Giving and receiving has a deeper meaning and is more intentional rather than transactional. Receiving is about connecting.

Receiving is different than “taking” in that it involves being aware of the giver, what is being given, as well as the intentions of the giver. It requires being able to receive and truly say “Thank you” and take in the emotions that come along with generosity, such as gratitude, happiness and, at times, awkwardness. Receiving with accountability builds true relationships – allowing for vulnerability and intimacy.

Many of the worlds religions emphasize  “One must receive for the sake of giving.” If no one chooses to receive or cannot receive graciously, then no one can give nor can be acknowledged or known. It diminishes the possibility of the wholehearted connection which we claim to want the most.

How are your receiving skills?

Improving Relationships: Skills that Work

As a licensed therapist, coach and addictions specialist I counsel and treat clients with some pretty serious conditions, including, alcoholism, sexual compulsivity, road rage, bi polar disorder, and personality disorders, such as borderline personality disorder and narcissism. Much of the time these issues (and others) may be occurring at the same time and make for immense complexity.

However,  over the many years of practice, I continue to find it curious that despite the crisis, physical and emotional challenges and other problems at hand, that the conversation always comes back to relationships, communication and the development of connection and intimacy. Even in the face of chronic pain, depression and job loss the underlying concern is  often “I don’t think my spouse loves me” or “I am afraid of being left behind” or something similar.

The number one reason why people seek counseling is related to their relationships. Whether it’s due to an intimate couples’ problem, social isolation, family or work related conflict; relational concerns always take precedence – even over finances. It doesn’t matter what the presenting concern seems to be – addiction, eating disorder, pain, depression, etc. – at the end of the day the conversation comes back to connection, love, and belonging. These are not lofty needs or desires, but are necessary for our health, well-being, and survival. But, in today’s world of technology, pressed schedules, increased consumerism, family difficulties and economic pressures, the simple things that have served as the foundation for human health and happiness have been strained and minimized. It’s no wonder chronic disease is on the rise with 25% of American facing such challenges.

Many years ago an author by the name of Robert Fulghum wrote a book All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten http://www.peace.ca/kindergarten.htm. In his own simple and elegant manner the author provided practical guidelines for successful living and loving through looking back on what is taught to children in kindergarten, as they learn to take care of themselves and socialize with one another – The importance of respect. Sounds simple, right? However, sometimes the simplest of things are not so easy. What happens when those basics either get lost or are not learned? These relational deficits leave a large gap in one’s ability to relate and have needs met, leading to immense dissatisfaction and suffering – For everyone.

This next grouping of blog postings is focused on getting back to the basics of relating effectively with others; highlighting the importance of our ability to listen, understand, and to develop collaboration and cooperation in order to construct safe, balanced relationship dynamics that are healthy and satisfying.

As you read the blog, you may wish to ask yourself how you rate in these areas and or how others around you rate. Through increasing your skills it becomes easier to discern what healthy relating looks like and how it feels verses poor relational fit.  You will also learn how to build a healthy and satisfying network of supportive relationships in your life in order to feel more balanced, connected and competent.

We hope you find this information useful and encourage you to forward the blog onto a family member or a friend.