Improving Relationships through Listening

Have you ever been talking with someone and, before you can even finish your sentence, they interrupt to share their own thought or finish yours? Or perhaps you are in the middle of making an important point and their attention is pulled away as they check their ringing cell phone, send an email, or reply to a text message. We’ve all watched someone we are talking to nod and even mutter “uh huh” – knowing they didn’t really hear a word we just said.

People notice and can feel when others are not paying attention. These are conversations that leave people feeling unheard and unimportant, and they happen to all of us. In fact, most of us are guilty on a regular basis of listening to others in this same way. Listening with all of our attention is a discipline that needs to be practiced. It is also a skill that pays big dividends in both personal relationships and business endeavors. After all, every part of life is about relating.

In short, how does one develop or hone the skill of listening? Here are a few points to bare in mind in becoming a more skilled listener:

• Giving the other person your undivided attention. This may included putting your cell phone away, closing your laptop, stepping away from the crowd, turning off the television, music etc. and tuning in to the person with eye contact.  Removing barriers to being present helps with focus.

• Stay focused.  We are conditioned to drift.  There are often many things competing for our attention. Focus is a skill to be built – It is not automatically “there.” When talking with another person be mindful of the thoughts and inner and outer distractions that can negatively impact connecting.  When distracted gently pull your attention back to the person talking – Even if you need to do it over and over again.

• Being aware of the impact of judgment. Defending one’s self  from what is not wanted to be heard or felt or blocks our ability to listen and attend to the relationship. This includes blaming the other person or situation when uncomfortable or distressed- projecting unwanted feeling onto others. Part of this is the experience of how we believe others see us.  When self perception is distorted a person can become distracted and emotionally deregulated.  Working with human judgment and learning to appraise ourselves and others accurately allows for more connection and compatibility.

• Maintain open body language. Body language is non verbal and actually that more significant part of communication than what is verbal. Non- verbal being roughly 55-65% of communication. Remember words and actions need to line up – This is often considered “Walking the talk.” Alignment of verbal and non-verbal communication fosters connection and trust with others. Make sure you are open and receptive – No crossed arms, furrowed brow, abrupt movement, eye rolling – darting or similar behaviors.

When we become skilled listeners, we provide people around us with a gift that they have rarely been given in their lifetime. For when we truly listen we take others in, learn about them, and acknowledge that they exist. When we listen we also learn more and allow ourselves to truly know others and to challenge our assumptions. Listening facilitates change.

Do you tend to hear people or really listen?

Quote: “Since in order to speak, one must first listen, learn to speak by listening.”  

 ~Rumi

Improving Relationships: Skills that Work

As a licensed therapist, coach and addictions specialist I counsel and treat clients with some pretty serious conditions, including, alcoholism, sexual compulsivity, road rage, bi polar disorder, and personality disorders, such as borderline personality disorder and narcissism. Much of the time these issues (and others) may be occurring at the same time and make for immense complexity.

However,  over the many years of practice, I continue to find it curious that despite the crisis, physical and emotional challenges and other problems at hand, that the conversation always comes back to relationships, communication and the development of connection and intimacy. Even in the face of chronic pain, depression and job loss the underlying concern is  often “I don’t think my spouse loves me” or “I am afraid of being left behind” or something similar.

The number one reason why people seek counseling is related to their relationships. Whether it’s due to an intimate couples’ problem, social isolation, family or work related conflict; relational concerns always take precedence – even over finances. It doesn’t matter what the presenting concern seems to be – addiction, eating disorder, pain, depression, etc. – at the end of the day the conversation comes back to connection, love, and belonging. These are not lofty needs or desires, but are necessary for our health, well-being, and survival. But, in today’s world of technology, pressed schedules, increased consumerism, family difficulties and economic pressures, the simple things that have served as the foundation for human health and happiness have been strained and minimized. It’s no wonder chronic disease is on the rise with 25% of American facing such challenges.

Many years ago an author by the name of Robert Fulghum wrote a book All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten http://www.peace.ca/kindergarten.htm. In his own simple and elegant manner the author provided practical guidelines for successful living and loving through looking back on what is taught to children in kindergarten, as they learn to take care of themselves and socialize with one another – The importance of respect. Sounds simple, right? However, sometimes the simplest of things are not so easy. What happens when those basics either get lost or are not learned? These relational deficits leave a large gap in one’s ability to relate and have needs met, leading to immense dissatisfaction and suffering – For everyone.

This next grouping of blog postings is focused on getting back to the basics of relating effectively with others; highlighting the importance of our ability to listen, understand, and to develop collaboration and cooperation in order to construct safe, balanced relationship dynamics that are healthy and satisfying.

As you read the blog, you may wish to ask yourself how you rate in these areas and or how others around you rate. Through increasing your skills it becomes easier to discern what healthy relating looks like and how it feels verses poor relational fit.  You will also learn how to build a healthy and satisfying network of supportive relationships in your life in order to feel more balanced, connected and competent.

We hope you find this information useful and encourage you to forward the blog onto a family member or a friend.

Strategies to Increase Energy and Stabilize Mood

Keeping a pulse on our stress level is always a wise idea. Many of us don’t really know our baseline stress level; therefore we don’t really know where we are and what is manageable for us so we keep doing more. For example, all of a sudden we can find ourselves triggered into anger by an erratic driver on the road and wonder how we went flew off the handle. This is what often happens when stress piles up. We become reactive and, at times, out of control. We can decline quickly.

Many stresses cannot be avoided altogether, but we can support our bodies in being more resilient, as well as reorganize some of our routines to minimize mood and energy problems. To help our bodies, it is important to:

-          Get adequate sleep each night. During seasonal change, more sleep is often needed to sustain the shift. Adding an extra half an hour can be of benefit to you.

-          Decrease sugar and carbohydrate intake. When mood declines you may notice increased food cravings, especially for sweets and carbs as the body is looking for that spike in energy. Focus on eating a balanced diet, including fruits and vegetables.

-          Move your body. Make sure that you are getting some physical exercise daily; a walk, time at the gym, working outside.

-          Take your supplements, including probiotic, Vitamins B, C, D, and fish oil.

-          Attend meditation, yoga, or tai chi classes – especially if you are anxiety-prone or get overwhelmed easily.

 

Creative thinking is important in learning to help you and may lead to stress-reducing methods, such as delegating work or deleting less important items from your to-do lists. Then you can look for ways to improve your coping ability, such as learning a new, useful skill or spending more time unwinding each day.

Cognitive therapy or skills-based counseling can be helpful in learning how to control the mind and work through thoughts that fuel depression and drain energy. But, working with the mind and body together is necessary in improving or resolving mood issues. After all, the mind and body dwell in the same organism.

To maintain a healthy mind and body, it’s important to engage in the effort to review and assess yourself – and, if need be, consult a professional to help.

Quote:

The higher your energy level, the more efficient your body. The more efficient your body, the better you feel and the more you will use your talent to produce outstanding results.

~ Tony Robbins

Depression During Life Transitions: Is it Normal?

Life is all about cycles - Seasons change, weather moves in patterns, the economy fluctuates, trends ... change...transition...all of which are happening constantly.

Recently, I was talking with a woman who had moved into a lovely home.  It was the home of her dreams.  She had been very excited about the move and creating this wonderful space. However, about a month or so after the move she found herself feeling depressed and lethargic.  She was very concerned and considered anti-depressant medication.

Change brings forth many emotions, sensations and shifts - ups and downs. Generally we don't associate depression with "good things" but in truth each one of us responds to change in our own unique way.

Plants were my first teachers about change. Have you ever moved a plant from one spot to another? What happens? They tend to wilt and look like they might die. Just when you think it is a lost cause the plant perks up! Go figure...

We do a little of this too. Our moods and energy are always in flux and subject to change. This can make most people nervous - Who really feels comfortable when feeling, a bit depressed or down?
However, is what is being felt a symptom of depression or a human experience?

There is a difference between a clinical condition and a response to a life event. We tend to label unwanted feelings and experiences as being related to sickness, but just like the plant or the woman who moved, that might not be the case. It just might be because change takes energy and lots of it - more than we might think.  Also, anytime something is gained something is lost. Loss is part of every change - Even the changes that we want or goals we have worked towards. Grieving is a natural response to loss. Depression is part of grieving.

Preparation for change is key in setting ourselves up for success.  Being able to move through change and transition safely and successfully without putting ourselves at risk or sabotaging our success. Each one of us may be sensitive to specific triggers/ stressors, events or circumstances - The conditions that may challenge our sense of mental, emotional and physical balance.

Mood and energy cycles often parallel with the environmental conditions occurring within and around us. If you are a person who is sensitive to change and or has mood, addiction or chronic health problems it is important to pay extra attention to change, especially when it involves your personal space, work or people in your life. Self knowledge is key.

The ability to understand our own cycles is needed in order to help ourselves in the best ways possible.

In order to feel well and to be effective, we need to adapt to changing conditions. This means that we need to identify, understand and prepare for them according to our individual needs.

 

This is why it is critical that we create the conditions we need to be well and successful. We can control that part.

 

This helps us in becoming skilled in managing change.  Being adaptive and able to work with change is needed to be able to grow, increase our skills and capacities and to reach our personal and professional goals.  As we move through life and experience its' joys, our victories, defeats and losses we will have many intensive and personal feelings many of which are part of the process of becoming a whole person. Growth can be stressful and uncomfortable, but necessary if we are to become more skilled in living life.

Approaching ourselves with kindness, inquiry and flexibility allows us to create the conditions we need to move forward through the changes in our lives. This means not judging every uncomfortable feeling and or event that does not go as planned as something wrong or a sign of failure. Instead setting things up so that we have what we need - support, healthy lifestyle habits and a mindset of willingness and openness.

Through this process we become more resilient- meaning stress hardy. Then we truly become more healthy, adaptive and bounce back from set backs and stressors even using them as leverage to move forward.  We are then truly able to move forward with confidence and in a manner by which we can be our best selves.

What is Problematic about Mood Problems? Dysthymia, Bipolar Disorder, and Major Depression

When we think of mood problems, we often think of low energy, negative thinking, sadness, and tendency to isolate. However, mood problems are not just “mental” or “emotional.” According to a September 2013 report from the World Health Organization the amount of damage untreated mood disorders causes takes a greater toll on health than chronic angina, arthritis, asthma, or diabetes. A growing body of research also indicates that mood disorders trigger certain diseases: chronic pain, acid reflux, heart disease, diabetes, cancer, osteoporosis, and other problems. Mood disorders wreak havoc on the entire body by throwing the stress response out of whack. Mood issues are not just about being “down” or feeling unmotivated; they can, indeed, be very physical and need to be taken seriously.

People who are seeking counseling are often looking for relief from mood problems. They are trying to regain or boost their mental, emotional, and physical energy. For the person suffering the energy loss, it can feel that the mood shifted all of a sudden or gradually became worse until they could take no more and sought help. However, it generally becomes more clear that there had been stress building over the course of time, whether that be from physical illness, major change, loss, or unresolved difficulties from the past. We can often identify that the mood issue had been operating in cycles; however, they easily go unnoticed. For instance, a person may experience depression after getting a new job or home. Even though it may be needed or wanted change, it is still change and change takes energy to accommodate, hence the dip in mood.

Over the next month or so, as we start to move from summer into autumn we may be more aware of fatigue as sunlight decreases and we prepare for the solitude of winter. Our bodies are rallying to accommodate this major change. We are part of nature - we go through our own cycles in response to nature.

The changes in our lives are felt deep within the organism (body) in which we live. It is important to pay extra attention when preparing for and or moving towards change. This is something that I notice as a  behavior therapist working with clients with mood problems is that preparation for change is often lacking -- The fallout of lack of preparation can make for unanticipated immense suffering. The overwhelm and dysregulation of emotions can result in regression back into self defeating and self harmful behaviors making for negative impact to self esteem.

Structure and self care are necessary staples.  Eating healthily, getting a good nights sleep, movement, fresh air, recreation.  Moving forward one breathe at a time of course is most important! Creating the conditions to be safe, healthy and stable is key in living and even thriving with a mood disorder.